Let’s recap.
On this national birthday, in this evil year-of-our-Lord, 2006, in this hive of fugitives, in the midst of desperation I have managed to:
• Start a cross-country fight with my girlfriend over the phone, having not returned a call due to a previously arranged pressing engagement in town. She is currently 1300 miles from the side of the bed she claimed and by all the gods that ever were I miss her. Long-relationships are, by their very nature, beset with stress, mostly due to the extended period of time it takes to communicate any emotion, be it anger, catharsis, or (as was the case we me here) shame.
• Lose a job
• Beg my parents for money, something I despise, despite their overwhelming willingness to give it to me, usually at the slightest provocation. I do not mind prostrating myself before authority figures for monetary gain. (For what is a job but “Yow’sa, massah!”-ing the boss? There’s a reason we’re called wage slaves.) I mind the ease with which I secured the funds. A similar species of trusting ease has repeatedly burned my grandparents. Their sons (my uncles) are not as honorable as I am, and more time goes by the more I think they no longer have the capacity to feel what I am feeling now. Either that gene is carried exclusively on the X chromosome or they surrendered this capacity somewhere during the 1980s.
• Receive said money.
• Pay rent
• Piss off my roommate, who is also my best friend. I have a strong suspicion that she no longer trusts me. Were it any other person, I would care less. But it is her and she is the one who, long ago, picked me up when I was down. She is the one I turn to when I need my moral compass checked. We have forged this relationship over years and I depend upon it as sure as I depend upon the gravity keeping this keyboard on my desk.
True, I’ve been a jobless fool the past…well, nine months…true, I am at times and inconsiderate jackass. But, Lord God, I had no idea it had professed the point where she would accuse me of theft.
Until today.
I feel the Fear that I am Loathed and am imbibing alcohol to cope. This is not a problem so much as a temporary solution. At best I will pass out and wake tomorrow in time for a scheduled job interview.
I know I should devote a few words to American, the Beautiful…but I find nothing beautiful in the civilization that invests this land. It has given me nothing but pain, heartbreak, insecurity and disgust. I pray for rain. I pray for tidal waves. And right now I have a special place in my prayers for another rum and coke.
Ah, there it is.
Happy fucking Independence Day. May all your democracies be exported through military force. As Chairman Mao said, long ago, "Change must come through the barrel of a gun."
Tags: Independence Day America Chairman Mao
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