New Review: The Adventures of A Neurotic Internet Film Critic

Let’s see. I’ve had one hell of a past twenty-four hours.

First the File Transfer program I utilize to update my website (Ipswitch Pro 2006) decided to up and quit. More fool I for downloading the damn thing off isohunt. The search for a freeware program that would do the same thing consumed several hours. Fortunately, I discovered Smart FTP, a reasonable facsimile of Ipswitch that’s offered free of charge to poor bastards like myself.

Unfortunately my search took me far into the bowls and back alleys of these here internets, allowing my computer to contract several malicious Trojans, viruses, and a veritable shitload of adware. Their combined might overwhelmed my poor, outdated antivirus program, forcing me to update it’s sorry ass before I could do a blessed thing.

The program, I must tell you, is the shiz-nit. Its name is Panda. Panda Titanium, and while that would make a wonderful name for a band it makes an even better piece of anti-malware. Now, I’m a fairly anti-consumption kind of guy. I’m fairly stingy when it comes to praising this-or-that produce (just look how long it’s been since I gave a movie a five-star rating). Apart from the latex condom (which has save my life many a time) I’ve rarely found a piece of modern technology worth as many of my kudos as Panda.

I could’ve saved myself the trouble and just asked Nathan, my webmaster extraordinaire, where he got a-hold of his copy of Ipswitch…but that would’ve marked the third time I’d troubled him for the damn thing. Third as in, Third time’s the charm. Third as in, Three strikes you’re out. Third as in, I’m neurotic, okay? Gimmie a frickin’ break. I’ve got viruses coming out the woodwork.

And dear Lord its time to shut this thing down and go to work. Outside my window the sun is shinning bright enough of bleach the sky. I’m staring down the belly of an hour long commute, plus eight hours of sitting around on my ass. Only the promise of air conditioning holds any solace for me.

I know this is fascinating. The Adventures of a Neurotic Internet Film Critic. It could be a sitcom, a monthly column, or a comic book.

Somehow, in all of this, I managed to review Shaun of the Dead. Another three-G film. What a surprise. Makes you wonder: are these movies really three-star shows? Or have I been doing this so long, run so much movie-related verbiage through my brain, that I’ve sent whatever shred of perspective I once had ass-over-teakettle?

I’ll be thinking about that over the course of the next eight hours. Because I certainly won’t be thinking about work.