Monkey Killing Monkey Over Pieces of the Ground

Since it is Wednesday, and I have to write about something, I’m going to squander a few words endorsing Tool’s new album, 10,000 Days.

Incidentally, I hate music reviews. Movie reviews, I can stomach, even appreciate from a professional standpoint. But who are these sorry sacks of shit reviewing rock shows and album releases in my hometown papers? Where do they come up with all those nonsensical, say-nothing descriptions? Do op-ed music columns come their own magic phrasebooks? Or is there only one? That would make sense, as all the music reviews I read in print have the nasty habit of sounding exactly the same.

I’ll try not to employ any of their tired tropisms. None of that, “The Maynard Machine has done it again,” crap. None of that, “The American five-some once again delivers steaming hot piles of rock in their latest [insert name here]-[insert suffix here, particularly if it ends in an “ism”] offering.”

This is Tool, you bastards. This is Literate Rock. These are not songs about the girl you lost, or the drug problem you’re developing. This is a collection of songs about heroes and angels; about kangaroo courts, getting abducted by aliens and watching in awe the absurd stupidity of the human condition. It is exactly what I expected from the good people who brought me my favorite song, “Ænema”… which if you don’t know, is about California falling into the sea, based loosely off a joke from an old Bill Hicks routine called, “Arizona Bay.”

You see what I mean? Literate Rock, the kind of rock who’s culturally specific double-meanings have inspired gigs of internet traffic. I’ll not add to those any further.